shadowdweller your life is a joke
in a depressed mood...I need to rant. Posted by shadowdweller on Wednesday, April 16 2008 at 05:18:51pm
What's got me so depressed today? Who knows.
Perhaps it's the fact that I have to deal with these overwhelming desires on a daily basis, and not only can I not act on them but I can't let it show or talk to anyone about these desires. And really all I want is someone to love, it just so happens that the people I am attracted to are rarely above the age of 12.
So realistically, even if it was 'acceptable' to pursue those I find attractive, it is unlikely that there would much of a chance of forming a mature relationship with her.
So where does that put me? Harbouring impossible desires. Desires so intense they almost seem tangible.
What kind of life is this to lead? There must be some damn purpose, or is life just a joke, and there is no sense in anything; it all just 'is'?
And then I think of my future and what it holds, and I see nothing. There is no where to go. Things won't get better, I won't get 'better', society will hate me till the day I die, I will never be able to form a meaningful relationship with someone I am attracted to...bah!
I often try to kick my drinking habits, but then days like this come along and I think, 'why bother?' At least the alcohol can give me the illusion that everything is fine for a while. But I know this is what I have to fight off, but finding the point in it all is so damn elusive and it's soo much easier to just give in to the easy way.
I work, I eat, I sleep, I yearn. I hate work; I don't eat much, if anything; sleep is elusive - I am an insomniac; and we all know about the yearnings.
True, I find joy in raising my own girls and doing what I can for them, but it won't be long before they are grown and won't need me anymore. Even sooner than that, they will no longer bring friends home for me to befriend, and even that avenue to small joy will be gone.
Life sucks. And we sit on the bottom of the barrel.
You are at the bottom of the barrel.. a shit barrel.
Eat it up pedophile.